First Fandom is Not Dead, Only Doddering

Number 70  «»  Second November Issue 2000
Published every time a zombie awakens by Bob Tucker at Bloomington, Illinois

Oh, to be an active fan again!   -- Lady Windermere


{Notes:  these papers are being collected under the editorship of Dr. Thermal N. Thurman,
Chair of the Department of Interplanetary Fictive Studies  of the University of Nepal at
Kathmandu.   Dr. Thurman  is assisted in this vital work by  Dr. Steven Lopata   (PhD.
Exochronology),  Fellow of the  Cosmic Chemists Society  and an Honors Graduate of
Miskatonic University.  Contributing to these discussions is  Dr. Josef Fann,  Proctor of
Perigee Periphrasis at the University of Outer Mongolia, Ulan Bator.  These papers will
be available in an English language edition as well as Urgu and Sanskriti editions.}

Dr. Thurman~~
The original text that sparked these investigations contained the following statements:  "... it meant
to me that we would be rocketing to the far planets by 2000, we might even be fighting blazing
interplanetary wars  with Bug Eyed Monsters --- Monsters that had a fondness for scantily clad
females of Earth,  females who in turn had a fondness for wearing brass bras while on earth or in
interplanetary flight."  (and)  "Scientific research has since established that Bug Eyed Monsters
are indifferent to bras made of cloth."

Dr. Lopata~~
As far as BEMs chasing after well endowed, nubile, Earth females in brass brassiers, the Journal
for Irreproducible  Results  has published,  or will publish sometime  an article that shows the
female chasing aliens are actually hungry.  But here's the switch,  they're not interested in the
females.  Protein incompatibility and allergies make Earth females of massive indifference to Bug
Eyed Monsters.  What they actually want is the brass metal in those bras.  You see, most BEM
shave green blood and the copper in brass (a copper/zinc alloy)  is vital for their continuing BEMish
good health.  Additionally, they've discovered that some of the salts perspired by fleeing females
make good seasoning for the main meal.

Dr. Fann~~After thorough examinations in the field and rigorous testing in the laboratories the following
conclusions have been concluded.  (1)  Bug Eyed Monsters have an aversion to bras made ofcloth in
asmuch as they are indigestible in the alien stomachs,  that is to say the two stomachs
found in juvenile aliens and the three stomachs found in adult aliens cannot digest cloth bras
without suffering acute discomfort.  (2)  A different degree of discomfort was noted when the
bras were made of cotton materials as opposed to polyester materials.  (3)  A geographical region
known as Alabama grows and harvests unadultered cotton suitable for bra manufacture whereas a
geographical region known as Egypt grows and harvests an impure crop which,  upon analysis,
was shown to be a mixture of cotton and polyester materials.  It was determined that this mixture
came about by the Egyptian custom of rotating crops, that is to say, the Egyptian farmers planted
cotton one year and then planted polyester the following year in the same field.  The contaminated
soil then produced the impure crops that were discovered by our examiners.  (4)  Consuming brass
bras lined with cotton materials caused alien stomach cramps whereas consuming brass bras lined
with polyester or a cotton-polyester mixture caused massive alien bellyaches.  The aliens were
rendered helpless in said condition.

Dr. Thurman~~These findings are of military significance and accordingly have been forwarded to the Pentagon,
Washington,  DC  and called to the attention of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

FNNews~~The Bolivian government yesterday reported a sudden surge in orders for raw brass ore that has
caused the price of the metal to increase two thousand percent.  The major brass mines in the
interior of the country are now working two twelve-hour shifts to meet the demand but the miners
are said to be suffering as a result.  Brass miners in Bolivia receive no rum breaks.  The Minister
of Mines and Oil Wells,  speaking on condition of anonymity, told  FNNews that the unexpected
demand for raw brass came from an anonymous source in Washington, DC


Magic Moments in History Dept:  The meeting with pioneer publisher Hugo Gernsbach, circa
1952.   We met in the corridor of a worldcon hotel.  He nodded at me.  I nodded at him and the
nogled the young woman with him.  We went our separate ways.

Confucius Pong say:  When raygun hiss, tarry not to inspect error in grammar

Reprint Dept:  "Lez-ettes" were an invention of the l940s, probably because this not-so-humble editor
had more time on his hands than common sense in his head.  A Lez-ette was a tightly condensed story
told in three chapters as follows:

Chapter 1: Vampire
Chapter 2: Mirror
Chapter 3: Long time no see
...would our literary readers care to contribute to this decadent art form?

Magic Moments in History Dept:  The personal letter from pioneer editor John W. Campbell,
circa 1939.  He sent a fan letter to Le Zombie.  I maya have published it in Lez Letters.  He did

not write again.

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Issue #1 from the collection of Robin Wayne Bailey